When I was finally able to get some sleep this afternoon I had a really crazy dream and it was so realistic because it was partly based on real events.
I found myself at home with my mum after returning from my best friend (there was something going on with her but it was rather blurry) and my mum confronted me and asked “You two are together, aren’t you?” and I was so shocked by the way she asked this and said “No, we aren’t.” but she just went “Just admit that you are together.” in an expectant voice but I knew we weren’t together and grew more desperate and repeated “I told you we aren’t together.” but she would have none of it and just went on and I was so hurt because I knew in this moment that she knew I had feelings for her and it was just so overwhelming. When I repeatedly told her that we really weren’t together and I kept seeing this look on my mother’s face I grew desperate and yelled at her, in tears, “Would you be happy if I lied to you?” and she grew eerily quiet and said “Yes.” and I think that was the moment that just broke me. It was one simple question, yelled in despair, but ever since I woke up I can’t get it out of my head and I don’t know why.

Lately my dreams are more realistic again. I feel the touches, feel the emotions, am a more active part in the stories. I find myself screaming or crying silently or not so silently. Once I wake up they occupy my mind for the rest of the day. It’s almost crazy how much I get lost in them, really.
Last night I felt the hurt of the situation, felt her hand holding mine ever so gently, felt her sadness as if it were mine. And then it was like a deja-vu. I was strangely calm yet so very into this dream and I can never bring myself to wake up because it feels so real. It feels real enough to make me forget about the reality I’m living in and it draws me in. Dreams have always fascinated me, but those kinds of dreams are definitely something different and special.

This is the second day in a row I woke up between 7 and 8 after a terrible nightmare being sweaty and exhausted. I feel so far from reality in this moment because those dreams feel so real and it’s just draining. Those dreams seem endless and even though they seem a little weird in hindsight they must pretty much freak me out when I wake up like this. I really hope this stops now because I can’t keep up with this any longer, that’s for sure.

I find myself screaming and shouting in my dreams a lot lately. Not because I’m afraid or anything though but because I’m in rage and mad and I will literally start screaming at people because I don’t agree with them and it’s a pretty sure sign that I’m not balanced at the moment and every time I wake up those screams and shouted words still echo in my ears and it’s seriously distressing.

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A few days ago I had a dream about being dead
and the first thing I remember is me thinking how glad I was, because
that’s what I always wanted, right?
However, I found myself walking around and looking for my family and friends to see how they were doing and a sudden urge to find my sister overcame me.
I found her drowning in sadness and I found myself being nothing more than a shadow, a ghost
unable to talk to her.
That’s when I hugged her, hugged her tight until it hurt, put my arms around her until she could feel it.
She didn’t recognize it at first but when she did she cried and it hurt even more.
I made a promise to myself that I would find her every day to hug her, to let her know I wasn’t quite gone but it also made me wonder why I was still here and yet gone. I was sure it wasn’t my purpose to still be here where I could be with everyone else but I was unable to go, to leave this life behind and suddenly it hit me.
This is what I wanted, right? I wanted nothing more than to die and now I wanted nothing more than to live as I began to fade from the lives of the others.
I was nothing more than a shadow and that was certainly something I didn’t want to be.
I regretted my wish to be dead because what kind of existence was I living in now? Stuck between two worlds, unable to get away from the pain of not being with the ones I love while they started to forget and ignore me, my comfort was no longer needed.
And that, by far, is what shook me up the most.

Where dark dreams are born #2

Ok, after another restless night I’m somewhat finally up again after waking up at around 6 and falling asleep at around 10 again.
And the dream I had during this sleep period was too disturbing and crazy to not type it up and let go of it.

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I think I just had the worst nightmare in a very long time.

When I fell asleep again this morning I had another slightly unsettling nightmare. 
I’m not sure why this happens lately since I had a phase without all those nightmares.
I dreamed that I was on some kind of mission with Gibbs & the team, but it wasn’t funny at all. I don’t quite remember what it was about, but the mood within the team was extremely serious & nobody talked that much.
It was because we knew we would die. 
The one thing I clearly remember is Gibbs saying “Remember who decided that she (Orli) was the only one to issue an order in this mission.” 
And really, that scared me. Why the team would decide such a thing with the knowledge that orders are to be followed.
So she clearly sent us into our deaths. 
I wasn’t afraid of the death itself, it was more that I thought about the team.
How close they were to each other & that it would all come to an end now.
I remember looking at Ziva & I think I almost started crying, not for my own death, but for hers. She didn’t deserve this.
But we would all go through this, even though we wouldn’t come out alive.
Really, this dream highly distraught me & it will take some time to process this.

Last night was a restless night again.
I went to bed at around 3 am and eventually fell asleep, already struggling.
I should’ve known it. 
Because this is how you feel when you find out that somehow your whole family has betrayed you in many ways.
The persons you used to trust. Or the persons you should be able to trust.
I was clearly upset and distressed, even though I always knew it coming.
As usual, when something like this happens, nightmares come to haunt me.
Some of the worst kind again.
When I woke up from them my heart was aching and I was truly distraught. 
I only remember parts of the dream and some may wonder how a dream like this can throw me off my balance so much, but it’s more about my feelings and memories behind it.
It’s one of the few times a dream/nightmare is blurry afterwards, since I normally clearly remember them. 
I remember sitting at a table with some persons, one of them Ziva (my dreams mess things up sometimes), and it was clearly about her telling me that she’s going to die. I was upset at her statement, not wanting to accept it. She told me I better should. It was a heartbreaking fight full of desperation. Around us were a lot of fights. Suddenly her look turned into deep sadness, and I found myself almost crying with a racing heart, the urge to run away from all this.
Nightmares like this haunt me. 
My best friend dying, over and over again.
Me losing someone. Or me dying. 
My father coming after me. Again and again. 
Me running away. Trying to run. 
I mostly wake up crying or heavily breathing and from my mum I know that I’m mostly talking while I have nightmares. 
Those dreams haunt me for a long time. I remember all of them. Burned into my mind. 
I hope one day I will be able to get over them. Because for now I’m exhausted, as usual after such a night. Tired, lost in thoughts, unable to sleep. 
I don’t want this any longer. I really don’t.