When I was finally able to get some sleep this afternoon I had a really crazy dream and it was so realistic because it was partly based on real events.
I found myself at home with my mum after returning from my best friend (there was something going on with her but it was rather blurry) and my mum confronted me and asked “You two are together, aren’t you?” and I was so shocked by the way she asked this and said “No, we aren’t.” but she just went “Just admit that you are together.” in an expectant voice but I knew we weren’t together and grew more desperate and repeated “I told you we aren’t together.” but she would have none of it and just went on and I was so hurt because I knew in this moment that she knew I had feelings for her and it was just so overwhelming. When I repeatedly told her that we really weren’t together and I kept seeing this look on my mother’s face I grew desperate and yelled at her, in tears, “Would you be happy if I lied to you?” and she grew eerily quiet and said “Yes.” and I think that was the moment that just broke me. It was one simple question, yelled in despair, but ever since I woke up I can’t get it out of my head and I don’t know why.
Lately my dreams are more realistic again. I feel the touches, feel the emotions, am a more active part in the stories. I find myself screaming or crying silently or not so silently. Once I wake up they occupy my mind for the rest of the day. It’s almost crazy how much I get lost in them, really.
Last night I felt the hurt of the situation, felt her hand holding mine ever so gently, felt her sadness as if it were mine. And then it was like a deja-vu. I was strangely calm yet so very into this dream and I can never bring myself to wake up because it feels so real. It feels real enough to make me forget about the reality I’m living in and it draws me in. Dreams have always fascinated me, but those kinds of dreams are definitely something different and special.
Each of us has an instinct that there is a natural order to our journey. And Annie's violated that. She won't face it. She won't realize, accept, what she's done. And she will spend eternity playing that out.
You're still saying she's in Hell.
Everyone's Hell is different. It's not all fire and pain. The real Hell is your life gone wrong.
I’m just watching an undercover documentary about patient care/medical care and it brings back all those terrible memories.
Many of the situations are oh so true and not just an exception and it makes me really sad.
I know how it feels like to have 30 patients to take care of within 1 1/2 hours in the morning. Which means waking them up, basic medical treatment, going to the bathroom, getting dressed and getting ready for breakfast. The stress doesn’t get less after giving out breakfast and helping some of the patients eat.
I’ve seen patients sit/lie in their own excrements for hours because nobody would help me, telling me they didn’t have time for this kind of stuff and it broke my heart on a daily base.
I’ve seen patients crying, telling me they wanted to die or voicing their fears about being alone but when someone would catch me sitting with them for a few minutes I would be reprimanded and warned that there wasn’t time for this.
Some days I spent about an hour cleaning one patient and I still had to do my regular work including my other patients because nobody else would do it.
Many co-workers stopped being gentle with patients when lifting them up/helping them and while I know that sometimes you need to be a little more determined with some patients it’s not an excuse to cause them pain.
“We have no time for that” is probably the sentence I heard the most throughout my work at the hospital and it’s horrible because I worked 30 days on end with 1 or 2 free days in between but there was never time, ever.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved this job, but I wanted to help the people, not treat them like objects and that’s what finally broke me.
When you take the time to actually listen to what your patients have to say they will express their gratitude towards you and you will see them smile or even laugh.
When you take the time to actually listen to what your patients have to say your co-workers and boss will warn you and try to talk you down and they will try to get you out of their system.
Read it again, let it sink in. This is the harsh reality and I think that’s really sad.