Here are some things I learned throughout the years about working with/taking care of children:
1. No means no. Stay true to your words if you want to be respected.
2. Yelling/Violence is NEVER a solution, it’s simply unfair towards kids.
3. Apologize when you did something wrong. Don’t hold a grudge when they did.
I think if everyone would take these simple rules to their heart this world would be a much better place, especially for kids growing up in a world that is already difficult enough!
Look at all those Americans sleeping while Europe is wide awake
Feeling remorse means regretting something you said or did and it also means you didn’t think about your actions in the first place and I guess that’s why I barely feel remorse. When I say or do something I thought about it first and mean it the way it’s said or done. I stand behind my actions and therefor remorse is something I’m barely familiar with.
Today I realized that something has changed after yesterday. Sometimes change comes slowly and you only realize how different your life is weeks or months later but sometimes it hits you on full tilt and you wonder what exactly happened.
To be honest I don’t know what the breaking point was, maybe it was the sadness, maybe it was the sudden will to do things, I have no idea.
For some of you this may sound like nothing exceptional but I started cleaning the apartment which means I want to sort things, I want to have a free mind again. My first psychologist told me that I tend to be a messy person because my mind is a mess and I’m so conflicted and burdened all the time and with the depression it only got worse.
I love cleaning, really, but I often don’t find it in me to start doing something and the chaos tends to come back mere days or weeks later.
A few days ago I just got up and started doing things without overthinking ot procrastinating it and even though I was mentally still down I felt so much better afterwards and now I see a slight change in my thoughts even though I can’t describe it just yet. I have developed again that’s for sure but I will figure out the rest later on.
Sometimes I wonder how to put in words what is going on inside of me, because really, it isn’t easy.
These days I’m consumed by the loss of reality, something I’ve been struggling with a lot throughout the past years but failed to see it until I was diagnosed with it. It gets worse when I have my clear moments, when I realize that whatever I did that day, or week, I just wasn’t there. My memories are a blur and I’m not quite here and it’s difficult to deal with it.
Then again, when I have a clear moment, all I want to do is get away, get away from the people around me, from my life because I don’t feel any kind of attachment to it anymore. It’s dangerous because it’s my illness speaking and I’m powerless. I always hope to find myself again when I’m somewhere else, away from the memories but I doubt it would help in the long run.
Today I was hit by a sudden wave of sadness and god, I was unable to leave my bed for over 3 hours, I was unable to move, unable to do anything. Yet it felt freeing because sadness, a so deep feeling, was the first real thing I felt after weeks and months of another depressive episode. Depression is grey, numb, a blur, dark, painful and most of all constant. Sadness is temporary, healing and makes your heart ache and crumble but at least you feel something. I felt guilty. Guilty for liking the feeling that caused so much pain, made me feel so utterly alone, it felt just so wrong.
In the clearer and lighter moments I tell myself to not give up, to not lose hope but when I leave my body and mind once again, when depression is swallowing me it’s hard to hold onto this hope because I’m a different person then. I damn everything, damn my beliefs and the life I’ve built myself. I want to break out of it.
When all this started I thought I would conquer this myself, played it down, told myself I was still the same. I was wrong, I would never be the same again and when the doctor’s told me my illnesses would always follow me I wanted to run because what kind of life would I have? What about my dreams and plans? All shattered with one sentence and several diagnoses.
I still learn to manage my life around all this and I hope there are people out there who will see me for who I am because I know that I will lose myself countless times in the future, over and over again.
Grace is a gift of God, it is something we receive even though we don’t deserve it and something we can’t earn no matter what we are doing.
It’s God’s way of showing us how much he loves us and forgives us and it’s probably the greatest gift of all, never forget that.
The smell of peppermint tea always reminds me
of the early mornings when I was still young
and my mum actually cared for me.
It reminds me of the countless times I woke up
my hair ruffled and my eyes not quite open yet
as small clouds wafted from my mug
and the fresh taste of peppermint unfolding on my tongue
with not a worry about the world on my mind.
Today the same smell, the same taste
is a burning sensation, a reminder of how things were,
of how they will never be again
and as I set down the mug after taking one last sip
I’m pulled out of my memories,
not quite ready to face the reality
but knowing I will have to,
that peppermint tea
is a dangerous thing.
→ The smell of peppermint tea