"

Twilight
what a terrifying battle between night and day
like skin being torn apart and bones being crushed to dust
the buzzing in the air announcing the victory and arrival of a brand new day
the light bleeding into the darkened sky showing the night’s defeat
until the battleground opens up again
and the armies return to fight for their right to be.

(Source: soul-wanderer)

"

I fall asleep
to the buzzing of traffic lights
into the silence of the early morning
and the rain drizzling endlessly
into the fog of the night.

(Source: soul-wanderer)

"

Nobody can see the demons clawing at my heart
when the night settles down around me
nobody can see the ghosts settling down in my soul like heavy fog
when everything around me grows quiet and dark
and nobody can see the nightmares that are haunting me and tearing me down
when the lights are turned off and my eyes are closed
and that’s why they don’t understand
don’t understand the way I stay up too long and have dark circles under my eyes
and why I’d rather stay up all night
instead of letting the demons take hold of my heart
and would rather dream with my eyes wide open
instead of living through the same nightmares
over and over again.

(Source: soul-wanderer)

"

Last year, at then end of my hospitalization, one of my therapists gave me the advice to plan something for every day. In the beginning I was eager to follow his advice, I would be outside for a walk or would clean the house or would meet friends, I would do anything really.
But after a few weeks I grew more and more frustrated because I honestly felt so stressed out, felt the need to occupy myself all day long and I wasn’t feeling very good at all.
It was only a few weeks ago that I realized he was right but I had failed to see that planning to relax or do nothing for a day is a plan too.
Today, after long and busy days, I sit down and particularly plan to not do anything the next day.
I plan to sleep in and pamper myself and plan to not hurry around to finish tasks or feel guilty about doing nothing and boy you should try it too, because it’s one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced so far.

(Source: soul-wanderer)

"

Do you ever feel like your own life is slipping away from you?
Like all the time you thought you had everything under control when really you hadn’t?
Sometimes everything is falling apart and the worst of it is that there’s nothing you can do but wait for the storm to be over.

(Source: soul-wanderer)

When I was finally able to get some sleep this afternoon I had a really crazy dream and it was so realistic because it was partly based on real events.
I found myself at home with my mum after returning from my best friend (there was something going on with her but it was rather blurry) and my mum confronted me and asked “You two are together, aren’t you?” and I was so shocked by the way she asked this and said “No, we aren’t.” but she just went “Just admit that you are together.” in an expectant voice but I knew we weren’t together and grew more desperate and repeated “I told you we aren’t together.” but she would have none of it and just went on and I was so hurt because I knew in this moment that she knew I had feelings for her and it was just so overwhelming. When I repeatedly told her that we really weren’t together and I kept seeing this look on my mother’s face I grew desperate and yelled at her, in tears, “Would you be happy if I lied to you?” and she grew eerily quiet and said “Yes.” and I think that was the moment that just broke me. It was one simple question, yelled in despair, but ever since I woke up I can’t get it out of my head and I don’t know why.

"

Some nights I still think about how maybe we are meant for each other.
I think about how your lips against mine feel so right
and I remember how our fingers traced each other’s skin on cold winter days.
I think about all the days we spend cuddled up against each other, holding hands
and I think about how we fit together so perfectly in more than one way.
Some nights I wonder how even after all those years I still love you with the same passion
and how in every other girl I was always looking for you.
I wonder if I could ever find happiness with someone else, and I guess I can’t,
because you are always on my mind and in my heart.
I wonder if we would have a real chance, because hell, we already almost destroyed what we had once, but some days I still hope we could go back to that.
Some nights I wonder where we will end up some day, because you are my soul mate and I love you,
but most of all I hope we will always be friends, because that’s the greatest thing of all.

(Source: soul-wanderer)

Lately my dreams are more realistic again. I feel the touches, feel the emotions, am a more active part in the stories. I find myself screaming or crying silently or not so silently. Once I wake up they occupy my mind for the rest of the day. It’s almost crazy how much I get lost in them, really.
Last night I felt the hurt of the situation, felt her hand holding mine ever so gently, felt her sadness as if it were mine. And then it was like a deja-vu. I was strangely calm yet so very into this dream and I can never bring myself to wake up because it feels so real. It feels real enough to make me forget about the reality I’m living in and it draws me in. Dreams have always fascinated me, but those kinds of dreams are definitely something different and special.

"

They think of suicide as a quick route to oblivion, an escape. Far from it. It merely alters a person from one form to another. Nothing can destroy the spirit. Suicide only precipitates a darker continuation of the same conditions from which escape was sought. A condition under circumstances so much more painful.

Richard Matheson

(Source: soul-wanderer)

Albert: Each of us has an instinct that there is a natural order to our journey. And Annie's violated that. She won't face it. She won't realize, accept, what she's done. And she will spend eternity playing that out.
Chris: You're still saying she's in Hell.
Albert: Everyone's Hell is different. It's not all fire and pain. The real Hell is your life gone wrong.
"

I slip under the covers next to you
yet you are so far away
I lost you
lost you to tragedy
I’m left
left to the loneliness
I lost you
lost you to sadness
I can’t save you
from yourself
I lost you
I lost you
I lost you
oh how I wish
I could have saved you
because closeness never felt that distant
and I miss you
I miss you
I miss you.

(Source: soul-wanderer)